Innuendo???? Not Eye!!

Hi peeps,
I have a new friend (I think!!).
I happen to frequent a Bar in my locality.
Now listen, I live in a rather upmarket part of Cardiff (or, as Delbult would put it..."It's as gay as Liberace on speed in the YMCA"). But I must admit I am begining to think that our Del is on to something!!!! I live very near the Millenium Centre, Wales' premier theatre.
Let's get one thing straight here before we go any further! I am a white, hetrosexual male (we are the only people you can take the piss out of without fear of a lawsuit or a protest rally!!) and I have no hang-ups about people of another race, creed, sexuality or religious preference!! (did I cover everything there??) but I just met a guy in my local bar who seems like a nice chap but is also very wierd!

His name is Nigel (I'll call him that cos I dont want to divulge his real name until I'm sure of him and his intentions). I've made eye contact with him once or twice and nodded the odd silent "hello", but today we actually entered into intercourse! (Del if you say ANYTHING I am gonna tell everybody about you and the the oompaloompa reunion disaster!! ok!!????). What I am saying is.....we had a conversation!!! It went something like this:
Nigel: "Alright old thing?"
Me: "Aye, not bad. You?"
Nigel: "Better now it's over"
Me: "Sorry? now what is over?"
Nigel: "The rehearsal, I am a thesbian you see, an actorrrr my dear. Shakespear is my forte. I've just finished a rehearsal of A Midsummer's Night Dream and you should see my Bottom!"
Me: "You what????"
Nigel: "Bottom!! the character in A Midsummers Night Dream!! He becomes a donkey in a dream,,I am all Ass tonight my luvvie"

It was at this point I started to suspect that something was up!!! So deciding to take a step back from the proceedings. I moved away from the bar and found a secluded seat in which to drink my beer and read my newspaper........He followed me!!

Nigel: "May I join you old thing?" He asked!
Me: "Aye, go on then, take a seat".

He sat down and had a pained look on his face. He was in his fifties, dressed in a blue, brushed velvet suit and a crevat. He was obviously looking to vent his days frustrations.

Nigel: "It's not easy being an actorrrr you know, The stage is an unforgiving place! The eyes are on you all the time and...well....your soul is laid bare... just like my Bottom was tonight! Oh I tried so hard tonight my luvvie...My name's Nigel By the way"
Me: "Andy"
Nigel: "Andy my dear...May I show you my Bottom?"
Me: "Fuck off you pervert!!"
Nigel: "Oh my!!! Whatever must you think? Have you never heard of the Shakesperian character in A Midsummers Night Dream called Bottom?"
Me: "Look mate, I am a guitarist (carefull Del!!), I dont do Sheakspear and I deffinately dont do Bottoms!!" (unless she asks nicely!!! oops!!)

At this point he decided to leave me, his dejected figure got up from his seat and left the bar.

I went to the barman and asked him if he knew anything about Nigel.
He said: "He's a good bloke, works in the theatre around the corner, he's been coming in here for years and is usually full of high spirits. But recently he's been acting a bit wierd and depressed. He keeps telling me that he's been going up to Lovers Leap and tossing himself off...but there's never a scratch on him the next day!!!"

I will go back to the bar tomorrow and try to talk to Nigel and see if he's ok. He seemed like a decent enough chap and in the meantime I'm going to brush up on my William Shakespear (or as he's known in Wales....Billy Waggledagger!)
Wish me luck...and pray for Nigel!!!
Tara
Me.