Stage fright??

I bumped into Nigel again last night!!! He was in a much better mood this time! We talked for quite a long time and had a bottle of wine too.
I told him that it had always been an ambition of mine to tread the boards and to do some acting and he said:
"Yes my luvvie, I can see that you'd be a good Puck"

He went on to tell me a lot about his history as a thesbian and about the various acts that he'd been involved in.
At one point in his career he was know as "The Big Cheese" but this was only because his acting stank! He did however improve.
I think there's a pub in Cardiff with an unusual nautical name and Nigel hangs out there a lot I believe,
He asked me:
"Would you like to come up the Rear Admirals Porthole later?"
I declined.

Nigel was a bit flushed in the face when he came into the bar, he told me that he'd just finished a performace and was really hot and so he'd had a fan blowing him under his gown after the show!

One of his favourite perfomances used to include a unicycle act but without the saddle, but he had to stop it because of complaints from some sections of the audience that he seemed to be enjoying it too much.
I think he's into Morris Dancing to cos he's invited me to dance around his Maypole anytime I want.

He told me:
"I was up the Rear Admiral's Porthole the other evening, old thing, and I was telling my chum that I was going trolling round the Greek isles for the summer"
I asked him if that was anything like camping. He said it was the way he did it! He booked online apparently. He's a whiz with new technology. He said he Googled me the other evening to great effect! I never felt a thing!

He's invited me to act in a two man play he's about to start called "A Pant in the Country!" about a butler coming undone below stairs! Nigel plays the important part of the butler and I play the rest of him!! That's the best gag in the show!

Old Nigel seems to have a love of all things Nautical. He told me that he just loves seamen, so I offered to take him to Cardiff Bay to see them unloading the ships, but he lust looked at me with a blank look on his face.

He told me of an act he once did that invlovled nude tight-rope walking but he had to give it up cos he kept slipping and catching his essentials on the rope and he was starting to walk like an extra from "Planet of the Apes". Poor thing.

He also writing the screen-play to a movie that he wants to make. It's a marvellous script all about a fortune-telling boxer, The Clairvoyant Kid. He's good at the old fortune telling lark but not much cop as a boxer. It's called "Crystal Balls and a Glass Jaw". I think it's a goer.

He said:
"I went to have my legs waxed today Andy old thing, you have to be prepared dont you luvvie? I got into the seat and the girl asked me if I wanted a Brazillian, I declined. I cant stand coffee!".
I started to explain but thought better of it!

He told me of an act that used be part of his stage show back in the 40's, they were old Music Hall tumblers, called "The Bouncing Czechs".
He said: "They Sent a chill up me money belt! I've never been a part of this act, but you ask anyone in Show-Biz about Bouncing Czechs and for some reason, they'll think of me!"

He went on: "Apparently their names were Novak & Good. D'you know, people have repeatedly accused me of being both of them! Often I've had to slam a stage door closed or nip off on a borrowed stage manager's bicycle to the cries of "You're Novak & Good!" from the great unwashed."

I'm begining to like Nigel,, although there's this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that tells me there's something I'm missing!
I'll keep you posted.
(I'll write something about Spiny Norman soon, I promise!!!)

Innuendo???? Not Eye!!

Hi peeps,
I have a new friend (I think!!).
I happen to frequent a Bar in my locality.
Now listen, I live in a rather upmarket part of Cardiff (or, as Delbult would put it..."It's as gay as Liberace on speed in the YMCA"). But I must admit I am begining to think that our Del is on to something!!!! I live very near the Millenium Centre, Wales' premier theatre.
Let's get one thing straight here before we go any further! I am a white, hetrosexual male (we are the only people you can take the piss out of without fear of a lawsuit or a protest rally!!) and I have no hang-ups about people of another race, creed, sexuality or religious preference!! (did I cover everything there??) but I just met a guy in my local bar who seems like a nice chap but is also very wierd!

His name is Nigel (I'll call him that cos I dont want to divulge his real name until I'm sure of him and his intentions). I've made eye contact with him once or twice and nodded the odd silent "hello", but today we actually entered into intercourse! (Del if you say ANYTHING I am gonna tell everybody about you and the the oompaloompa reunion disaster!! ok!!????). What I am saying is.....we had a conversation!!! It went something like this:
Nigel: "Alright old thing?"
Me: "Aye, not bad. You?"
Nigel: "Better now it's over"
Me: "Sorry? now what is over?"
Nigel: "The rehearsal, I am a thesbian you see, an actorrrr my dear. Shakespear is my forte. I've just finished a rehearsal of A Midsummer's Night Dream and you should see my Bottom!"
Me: "You what????"
Nigel: "Bottom!! the character in A Midsummers Night Dream!! He becomes a donkey in a dream,,I am all Ass tonight my luvvie"

It was at this point I started to suspect that something was up!!! So deciding to take a step back from the proceedings. I moved away from the bar and found a secluded seat in which to drink my beer and read my newspaper........He followed me!!

Nigel: "May I join you old thing?" He asked!
Me: "Aye, go on then, take a seat".

He sat down and had a pained look on his face. He was in his fifties, dressed in a blue, brushed velvet suit and a crevat. He was obviously looking to vent his days frustrations.

Nigel: "It's not easy being an actorrrr you know, The stage is an unforgiving place! The eyes are on you all the time and...well....your soul is laid bare... just like my Bottom was tonight! Oh I tried so hard tonight my luvvie...My name's Nigel By the way"
Me: "Andy"
Nigel: "Andy my dear...May I show you my Bottom?"
Me: "Fuck off you pervert!!"
Nigel: "Oh my!!! Whatever must you think? Have you never heard of the Shakesperian character in A Midsummers Night Dream called Bottom?"
Me: "Look mate, I am a guitarist (carefull Del!!), I dont do Sheakspear and I deffinately dont do Bottoms!!" (unless she asks nicely!!! oops!!)

At this point he decided to leave me, his dejected figure got up from his seat and left the bar.

I went to the barman and asked him if he knew anything about Nigel.
He said: "He's a good bloke, works in the theatre around the corner, he's been coming in here for years and is usually full of high spirits. But recently he's been acting a bit wierd and depressed. He keeps telling me that he's been going up to Lovers Leap and tossing himself off...but there's never a scratch on him the next day!!!"

I will go back to the bar tomorrow and try to talk to Nigel and see if he's ok. He seemed like a decent enough chap and in the meantime I'm going to brush up on my William Shakespear (or as he's known in Wales....Billy Waggledagger!)
Wish me luck...and pray for Nigel!!!
Tara
Me.

I've been assimulated!

Ahhhh, it's been soooooo long since I posted. Actually, it's been sooooooo long since I did anything other than get blind steaming drunk and watch a shed load of movies and generally just sit in a chair doing nothing!!
It's my leg you see! When you have a leg brace that goes all the way from the tips of your toes to the end of your days you'll understand that I've been limited in certain aspects of everyday life!!!!
I'll give you some examples...
1, I cant go to work.
2, I cant gig (although there has been one minor forey onto the stage during my recuperation).
3, I cant shag!!!
4, I cant do any excercise. (see no.3)

Now number 3 is the one playing on my mind the most!!! The subject in question has been attempted on 2 occasions since my operation only to be accompanied by fits of hysterical laughter and a strange rattling sound coming from my right leg!!! It's goin to take a hell of a lot of charm and flowers to get the young lady in question into my appartment ever again!!

Also since my last post Spiny Norman have had 2 gigs! Both quite interesting but in totally different ways.
The first was before my operation and was in a place that will remain nameless to protect the innocent (and to stop the guilty from burning down my appartment!). It was actually in a place not far from where Spiny's drummer (the infamaous Delbut) lives. That says it all really. There were kids at this gig who were snorting cocain off the windowsill of the toilets!!!! Yes, a quality establishment! But, like the true pros that we are we gave it our all and the crowd absolutely loved us (both of them!!). We got out alive and even more surprisingly (according to our agent) we got full pay, which apparently very rarely happens at this particular venue!!

The second gig was for a close personal friend of Delbuts and that is the only reason I did the gig cos it was only 6 days after my operation and it was pure agony for me! It was a good gig tho, the wedding guests really enjoyed themselves and even tho I was in pain throughout the show I really enjoyed it too. This was mainly due to the fact that because I couldn't drive to the gig I was able to drink alcohol during the show!! At one point I had 3 bottles of Champagne at the foot of my mic stand and by the end of the gig I had 3 empty bottles of Champagne at the foot of my mic stand. It was a fun night!! Here's me at the gig:

It was an Hawiian theme, that's why we are dressed like Magnum pi.

Also in the past few weeks I've discoverd ebay!!!!!!!!

I have bought so much crap you wouldnt belive it!! There was one particular piano up for sale recently but I happen to know the seller and I wouldnt trust him as far as I can throw him!!!

I saw a Bon Jovi gig on tv the other day and Johnny boy was wearing a rather fetching suede/leather tan colourd shirt. "Now that's just the garment for me" I suggested to myself. So I went searching for leather shirts on ebay!!!! BIG MISTAKE!!! Now I am in no way homaphobic! "Each to his own and the world will be a better place" is my motto. But you should see the hit's I was getting on there!! There are all sorts of wonderful leather "garments" on there that are shall we say, designed for the more "outgoing" of my fellow men. Then I started to wonder about my old mate John Bon Jovi who I had seen and admired only a few hours earlier?? "NO! Surely not" I screamed!! But when you look at his initials and then see his microphone handling skills it does make one wonder!

Anyway, I have 124 bids on at the moment so keep your fingers crossed for me!!

I'm on a roll now so you might want to go make a cup of coffee and then come back!

Spiny have never been so busy as we have been this year. This is really good for us but it has meant that our set-list has become a bit stuck in it's ways. We just havent had much time to rehearse any new material. Delbut keeps having loads of ideas for songs but when he turns up to rehearsals he has forgotten what they were ( he's getting on in life these days and his memory isnt what it used to be!) Del has a good knowledge of rock music and I'm sure he'll come up with the goods when we all meet up next!!

My brother (big-Al and lead singer with Spiny) has a large repetoir too, but he cant get the strings for it these days!!

(oooh Del, he's also just bought a drum kit too!!!)

Right, time for me to go now, a friend of mine just called to say he saw one of the members of Spiny Norman trying to pick up two men in a pub in Cardiff last night!! This cant be big-Al.....he isn't strong enough!

Later dudes. I have to go now, my Doctor says I mustn't lift anything heavier than a bottle of beer, and I must abide by doctors orders!